I’m very tired. Emotionally, physically, mentally. Life has hit some major rocks, there’s a place I was always terrified I would be someday. And here I am. I feel like I have been slowly sliding down, down… for a few years now. I haven’t been happy in about that long. The more I see of life, the more I see how much of it is truly nothing but suffering. Nothing turned out as I had hoped, all well laid plans turned to dust.
I refuse to give up, I just wish I had a direction in which to go.
I miss the days when I could stand with the sunlight kissing my skin, and tear up for the joy of it. I miss feeling like I was going somewhere. I miss feeling like I was someone.
Now I walk in twilight, with only brief glimpses of the sun to remind me what joy was. Every day is more uncertain than the last. Every thing seems so futile.
What can I do? Change everything? Where would I go, what would I do? Nowhere, and nothing. I feel powerless to change a thing. I’m looking at everyone I love through bulletproof glass. Alone, isolated, lonely. Some days its hard to care about anything.
When will the sun rise? How can I feel whole again? When can I look people in the eye again, and smile like I mean it? I just want to go an entire day without tearing up from sadness, without feeling afraid.